Hey, Laura* and Mason* who I met in Thailand and hung out with for a while.
*I changed your names even though your real names are very close to these fake names and also I tagged you on facebook when I posted this. And included a photo of you.
Here are the things I wanted to say to you but I thought it might be creepy if I said them in person. Now you’re gone so I can say them on the internet and it’s not so weird.
1. You are so very attractive it makes me hate you a little.
I don’t think it should be allowed for two people who are married to each other to be that pretty.
You have great skin and good hair and you go on run-hikes up tall mountains for fun. You say you “only run some of it” but I don’t believe there are parts you don’t run because you have nice legs like you run all of it. You do this sort of thing on your birthday as a present to yourself, which is totally crazy.
You probably look great in bathing suits, both of you, and that’s not normal for married people.
That day we went on a bike ride, you didn’t wear any makeup and you still looked really pretty and that made me feel bad about myself because I put on blush and colored in my eyebrows and I think probably you’re not supposed to do that before you do something exercise-y. Also you had cute workout shorts and I wore my cargo pants which got sweaty in the butt and I was embarrassed about it but you lied that you couldn’t see the wet spot.
2. You are so nice.
See that last sentence I wrote about the wet spot. Also:
Neither of you is ever too drunk or too loud or mean at all to the other one, but you can still give each other shit and it’s adorable, not embarrassing or awkward like the time I yelled at Trent on the bus about how we should have taken a taxi to bring home that coffee table from the furniture store instead of taking the bus because he’s such a cheap bastard and then he yelled back at me and we both felt like a-holes but mostly me because I yelled first.
You don’t talk about people in a shitty way, but sometimes in an stealthy wink-wink way that we all understand but no one feels bad about afterwards.
I feel like maybe you were mean in high school to at least one nerdy kid, but on accident, and only because you’re too pretty to understand what it’s like to not be cute and you thought you were just pointing out something obvious and benign since it didn’t mean anything to you. Sorta like that time I called a kid an oreo in elementary school because some other kids called him that and I didn’t understand that it was mean, even though it was the 80’s and pointing out race was inherently mean, but see I’m all white and not half-white/half-black or even 1% anything-but-white which was always the saddest for me because I wanted to be Mariah Carey so bad when I was 12-to-22. I thought I was giving him a compliment but my mom schooled me on how calling someone an oreo isn’t actually nice, even if I think it is, and maybe I’m hurting his feelings, so I never said that kind of thing again, good job mom. So what I’m saying is probably you were mean once or twice without realizing it and that makes me feel better about that time I was mean to that one person (and all the other times to all those other people). But now you’re not mean to anyone, good job your moms.
3. When I found out you were nice, I was afraid you’d be boring but you’re actually really funny.
You made that joke about being an online escort guy for gay guys who want an online escort even though you’re not gay and it was so funny, haha, we laughed and laughed, the real kind of laughter where I’m not trying to make you feel good about your joke, it was actually funny and I’m laughing for real, hahaha.
You were also funny when it wasn’t about pretending to be a gay guy on the internet.
4. You like each other with out being gross.
Thanks for not making out in front of me, probably because you know I’m alone and old.
It was really fun to see two people who are married and don’t hate each other. It’s only been two years, though, so there’s still time. Please keep not hating each other, the world needs more happy people, and I need hope. Unless you really do end up unhappy, in which case, cut and run.
5. You’re still young enough to have a kid.
Maybe two kids or three, and that makes me so very mad at you and those 7 years I spent with a man I thought I wanted kids with but really didn’t.
Your kids will be pretty (see above) and that also makes me mad because I had frizzy hair and buck teeth when I was 4-to-26. Except if I think about it, I sorta think no one should grow up any other way because it builds character, look at how much character I have, so much, right? You should wish for your kids to be at least a little ugly so they have a whole bunch of character and aren’t mean to nerdy kids like you probably were.
In conclusion, I hate you for so many reasons. Please come back to Thailand and hang out with me some more.