I hate to go all Negative Nancy, but there’s really no other way to paint this picture. In the first 24 hours of my trip, I eff’d up pretty much everything that could be eff’d up.

Eff-up #1: Left my drivers license in New York.

Eff-up #2: Misread my arrival date so booked everything for the wrong day.

Eff-up #3: Didn’t know I needed an Australian Visa for a 10-hour layover…

Eff-up #4: Forgot I needed a place to sleep THE FIRST NIGHT I ARRIVED.

Eff-up #5: Packed twice the amount of stuff I can actually carry.

I haven’t even made out with anyone yet, you guys. (!!!!!)

Yesterday I got on a 3-hour ferry from Wellington to Picton, checked my enormous fucking backpack because they MAKE you, and – because I was so frazzled that I showed up for the ship on the wrong date – I just threw my bag at them and ran onto the boat, completely forgetting all the important stuff I would need for the journey.

AND THEN I HAD TO BUY IT IN THE STUPID FERRY GIFT SHOP.

Water: $6. Dramamine: $10. A freaking pen: $4. Also I had to pony up a $10 idiot-fee to change my ticket.

AAAAND I forgot that boats make people make out with each other, and it made me all sad about being there by myself, which I swore I was not going to do.

In a blog, all of this sounds like a series of charming mishaps, but THIS IS MY LIFE, PEOPLE. I am GOOD at things. I do not forget pens and dates and the effects of boats on libidos.

Also I have no job and very little money, and I cannot afford to be paying for crap I already have, and that now I’m literally gonna throw away since I can’t carry any of it.

I’ve been planning this trip for like ever. How in the crap did I not understand my arrival date?

I’m telling myself it’s the Southern Hemisphere. Toilets run backward here – maybe the same is true for brains. (Logic.)

Anyways.

I promised Harry I would be bright-side-y about all of this, so I suppose I should recount the good things.

Good thing #1: New Zealand is gorgeous.

Good thing #2: I made a new friend Alex who is French and hilarious and a worse packer than me*.

*Out of respect for her I did not take a picture of her horrible packing job, although we both agreed it was hilariously bad.

Good thing #3: She and I walked around Wellington and drank coffee and watched people doing wacky things.

Good thing #4: I ate a full plate of vegetables yesterday, and I’ve pooped at least once a day since I left New York.

*Out of respect for you, I will not post a picture of that either,but you should understand this is a huge deal for me.

Good thing #5: Magically, I have avoided jet lag altogether.

…And then on Sunday, I arrived at a complete paradise…

…which I will recount in detail once my pride recovers from the string of fuck-ups above.

And once I’ve found someone to make out with.