You Don’t Wanna Go In There (Slovakian Train Edition)

by | Aug 20, 2014 | Europe | 4 comments

Disclaimer: If you’ve ever wanted to make out with me, you might not want to read this post.

9:00pm, Tuesday.

I am currently (and by that I mean yesterday, when I actually wrote this) sitting on a train, somewhere in Slovenia* – a train which has been JUST SITTING HERE for TWO STRAIGHT HOURS, COMPLETELY STOPPED. And. I have. You guessed it.

The shits.

I’m sorry, it’s just true. You may want all the shiny happy moments from my travels, but I’m keepin’ it real, folks. I’m poopin’. A lot.

Now I don’t wanna complain – I am in beautiful Slovenia, after all (although it’s night time and I can’t see crap). So I’m not. Complaining. Technically. I know one day I’ll look back on this moment and think “wow, what a learning experience – so glad that happened.” Maybe I’ll put it in my memoirs and my kids will tell their kids about it. “Your grandma, she was an amazing woman. This one time, in Slovenia…”

It’s just… it’s not really the way I was hoping to spend tonight. And I’m bored. And hungry. And all I have to eat is candy, which I think probably isn’t helping with the pooping.

Plus, when you’re cooped up like this, and you don’t reeeeally know what’s happening**, and you’re bored and tired and just went to Auschwitz yesterday, your brain starts getting all weird and grumpy. I’m thinking about exactly three things right now, in rapid rotation:

1. I wish dumb Larry*** was here. Because even though he doesn’t want to have babies with me, at least he’d make it funny that I keep stinking up a bathroom in Slovenia.

2. I’m really sad my Dad has colon cancer and I can’t be there to give him a hug and help my mom and make a bunch of butt jokes.

3. Hitler was really an asshole.

* We may be in Slovakia. The train announcer accents are really heavy in these parts. And I don’t know the difference between Slovakia and Slovenia anyway. Because I’m American and suck at geography, and I don’t have the effing internet so I can’t look it up and even pretend I know.

** Might be a really sneaky pirate attack. More likely (because this is what they told us a couple of hours ago), there was a train accident somewhere in Austria, so all the other trains in Europe got rerouted.

*** Names in this post have been changed to protect those who don’t want to have babies with me.


Update: 9:28pm

We just started moving. And they’re making some announcements in German and then Polish and then sort-of English. The lovely man in the cabin next to me is doing some translating for me, and being very sweet in pretending he doesn’t know I’m the poop bandit (they all know).


Update: 9:55pm

I found some Imodium in my bag (thanks Janet). Hasn’t kicked in yet. Not sure how many to take, and can’t look it up because NO INTERNET. How in the crap did we survive in the 80’s? Reading this awesome book to take my mind off things.


Update: 10:30pm

About 6 minutes after I said the train just started moving, it stopped moving. Also when it was moving, it was going real, real slow, almost like not moving. Just wanted to make it clear what was happening.

I’m cross-stitching now.


Update: 10:35pm

The train is now moving backwards. Also very slow. They say we’ll be in Vienna by 11:30. I belive this maybe 1% because I’m pretty sure we’re going the wrong direction. Then again, I don’t actually know where we are, so anything’s possible.


Update: 10:42pm

I’m thinking of starting a band with that nice guy who’s been translating for me. We have no instruments, but maybe we can dismantle the train (since we’re not using it anyway) and make some fancy drums out of the parts.


Update: 10:58pm

Tried to take a nap, but can’t do it. So I’m going to list all the things in my backpack, which are currently scattered around my compartment (I’m settling in, since apparently I live here now):

  • Flip flops – I’ve worn these most days, even though they make my feet all crusty.
  • Sneakers – not the nerdy touristy kind. Mine are real cool.
  • 5 tank tops and 2 t-shirts
  • 3 pairs of pants, 2 dresses (haven’t worn), 2 skirts (haven’t worn)
  • 5 pairs of (now-holey) underwear, 3 pairs of socks, 3 bras, 1 swimsuit. I once travelled with a guy who packed 45 pairs of underwear so he could just throw them away after he wore them instead of doing laundry. (Talkin’ about YOU, Shawn Stone)
  • Quick-dry towel – does what it says, but also feels like paper. Solid trade-off.
  • Sarong – for laying on the grass (essential – thanks for the tip, Amenee)
  • Hostel sheet – also essential. Keeps you from getting scabies and lice and maybe also herpes, I have to check.
  • Hair dye – yes, hair dye. I’m nearing the “hideous yellow” stage, which means I’ll get to unload this baby pretty soon.
  • Toiletry bag – this is my favorite thing, because when I’m holding it my little hands, it means I’m about to take a shower.
  • Snacks!
  • Blow-up pillow – was gonna throw this away today b/c I haven’t used it since the flight over, but I’m using it RIGHT NOW. Bright side!
  • Umbrella – just bought this baby today. Rain projected in Vienna (of course).
  • Many charger things for my many devices (kindle, computer, phone, useless internet thing).
  • A gazillion bandaids. I use maybe one every two months in my real life, but I brought like 6 boxes with me. For some reason I feel obligated to keep them.

These are my things.


Update: 11:12pm

Woohoo! Just got that text from AT&T saying “Welcome to Austria. Don’t even think about using your phone here or you will owe us a million dollars.” Guess we’re headed in the right direction after all.


Update: 11:15pm

Stopped again. Other trains keep passing us, which is pissing me off. THEY’RE NOT EVEN CARRYING PEOPLE.


Update: 11:30pm

It’s 11:30 and we are not in Vienna like that announcer guy promised. Just called my hostel to beg them not to give away my room. Am aware that I will be charged one million dollars for the call, and will be sending the bill straight to Poland’s shitty train company.

It’s possible I might throw up any minute. Trying to remember if Immodium works for that too.


Update: 12:15am

In a bed, in my hostel. Got upgraded to a 4-bed ALL GIRLS(!) dorm by the sweet receptionist guy who could tell I needed a little love (not the lesbian kind, Sarah*, I know what you’re thinking).

*Sarah’s my lesbian friend. Not that I only have one. I have lots and lots of lesbian friends. Tonnnns.

Not pooping anymore, praise Immodium.

Stoked about seeing Vienna tomorrow, and grateful for my real life and all of you. Silver lining of my shitty day.


Update: 10:30am,  Wednesday

It was Slovakia.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

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  1. jaybrams

    I take your writing very seriously so I could only read the first sentence… I hope whatever else you wrote about was awesome.

  2. Sarah Duncan

    I am so delighted to have a shout out. Like I was having kind of an intense emotional day, and I am way better now. Just for that little lesbian shout out. I hope you had a great night in that dorm, uh huh.

  3. Santa Claus

    Thanks for the cancer shout out also. By the way, how was the toilet paper on the train. When I have the runs, it is kind of important what the texture and absorbancy of the toilet paper is. Give us a rating of 1 to 10. 1 being cardboard, 10 being charmin. Yes I have used cardboard in the past. Not proud of it, but I know no one is reading these comments anyway. So jaybrams wants to make out with you? Just trying to keep current on who you are making out with these days. I am the dad you know. Post you later.

    • Kelly

      Juuuuuust read this. I suck, sorry Dad. The toilet paper was likely on the low end of the spectrum – I can’t totally remember. Definitely not cardboard though. Waaaay thinner than cardboard. More like tissue paper, except thinner. You have to use a whole lot. The toilets in the train are awesome though. You push the button to flush (they’re electronic I think) and nothing happens for like 20 seconds, and you stand there waiting thinking “Oh shit, the toilet’s not working and I have the shits, sooooo…” and then it’s like NASA suction action or something – everything just SHOOTS down the little hole at the bottom. I think if you had your hand in there, it would cut it right off. Seriously. Jaybrams is full of shit. He’s totally gay I think. HAHA jayabrams, I called you gay! It’s only funny cuz he has like 40 children and is totally not gay. Also gay means “not attracted to Kelly” and nothing else derogatory or anything like that (It gets better, kids!). I love gay people. And right now I’m pretty sure no one wants to make out with me. In case your’e wondering. :/


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