Sexy Ninja

by | Jul 25, 2014 | Europe | 2 comments

I’m on a plane to Amsterdam right now. Not really, I’m on a plane to Texas. And then next week Amsterdam (that’s true). It’s sexier to say “I’m headed to Amsterdam” than “I’m headed to Texas” so that’s why I said it. Everything in this blog needs to sound really sexy, I’ve decided. Gross, I’m lying about that too. I promise there will be nothing sexy in here – mostly because it’s possible my mom and my boss will be the only ones reading it (and they both already know I’m sexy, so it’s not necessary to spell it out).

This is a horrible first paragraph to a first blog post. Am considering chucking it, but now I’m blank on an alternative first paragraph and I can feel you judging me because what if I write is worse that what I already wrote STOP JUDGING ME.

Okay now I’ve established that I’m both sexy and insecure, which I suppose MIGHT be a somewhat appropriate introduction to those of you who don’t know me (or those of you who think you know me but are now just realizing how sexy I am, and how you probably should tell me that pretty often because I don’t actually believe it). Some other fun facts about me:

  • I am 34 years old, live in New York, single, no kids that I know of. From Texas (hence this plane ride – why else would anyone go to Texas).
  • I work with teenagers. Sort of. I do all the boring paperwork stuff no one else on staff likes doing, and it’s awesome and they’re all dumb for not liking it.
  • I have a terrible and completely rational fear of corn, peas, blueberries, and any other small things that pop in your mouth.
  • I actually AM going to Amsterdam next week. And then a bunch of other places – more on that later.
  • I recently dyed my hair green, which is highly inappropriate for a woman of my age and maturity level. I’m embarrassed to be seen with me. Not really, I love it. Stare your faces off, jerks.

It’s a little strange that I wrote that list as if you don’t know who I am. As my mother and my boss, you should know all of these things, and if you don’t, you haven’t been paying attention. And while I’m at it: if you DON’T know me, stop reading and go away. THIS IS NOT FOR STRANGERS. Unless you want to be my friend, and then you can totally read it.

You may have noticed that I just made a pretty sweet ninja-ceiling-climb-allusion to the title of this blog (prepare yourself for more ninja-moves like that, they’re-a-comin’). I actually don’t read any other blogs so I don’t know when/how/if people explain their blog title. It feels a little unsexy to do it (that might just be because I haven’t washed my hair in 3 days), but since it (the title, not my dirty hair) is a little mean sounding, and I want people to like me and not think I’m mean, I will tell you why this is the name I have chosen. Two reasons:

#1 I actually am a little creeped out by strangers reading this. If you’re a weird creepy stranger, seriously, stop reading. And don’t share it with any of your creepy stranger friends. Thanks.

#2 I’m traveling alone and my mom is convinced that I’m going to be abducted and sold into the sex trade. She is, for real. So my plan to assuage her fears is to tell her that I won’t be talking to any strangers – only non-strangers who don’t run sex trafficking businesses. See, mom? I’ve NAMED MY BLOG in honor of you and your only-slightly-rational fear. Fair warning, though, if you piss me off, I will change it back to my original title “Corn=Zits.”

p.s. I fully realize that the background thing on this blog is majorly ugly. I’m going to change it, trust me. My plane is landing, though, so you’ll have to live with it for now. Real sorry about that.

[Update: I changed it and you love it.]

p.p.s. If you’re reading this, boss, I was totally writing that grant report at the same time I was writing this post (one of my ninja skills). It will be on its way to you as soon as I get it folded into a star with pointy, pointy points.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

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2 Comments

  1. Sarah Duncan

    Kelly. Seriously. This is hilarious and genius. Welcome to the blogosphere. And because you’re sexily insecure, I just want to tell you that Yes You Are Pretty and also, you are a total natural at blogging. (Also, the way this works is that now that I read yours you eventually have to read mine. mmkay?) Okay, but seriously, did I tell you that this is hilarious and brilliant? Oh I did? OKay, well, now you know twice.

    Please also create another blog called corn = zits.

    Reply
  2. Chabs

    that is awesome!!! i laugh every time i read one of your blogs. it never fails to turn my frown upside down. i never knew you were THIS funny

    Reply

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