No, Czech Republic, You Cannot Have My Uterus

by | Aug 25, 2014 | Europe | 4 comments

Have you ever watched Blades of Glory in Czech? I have. It’s pretty life changing. I mean, I could end this blog right now – that’s how good it is to watch this movie in Czech.

Know what else is life changing? A hotel room with a TV in it. And your own big bed with no other people snoring 2 feet away. And this window.

This window is amazing because right outside of it, there’s a bar. And in that bar, there’s a guy with an accordion and a Tom Waits wail, and about 20 drunk Czech people singing along to every song he plays. And even though I wasn’t in that bar and I didn’t meet any of those people, I fell madly in love with every one of them. Especially the reeeeeally drunk one who I’m pretty sure walked home naked at the end of the night (‘round about 2am if you’re wondering).

This was charming thing #1 about the little town I stayed in. There were about a thousand after that. It almost became nauseating at one point. Everything is perfect there.

This is my hotel. Fountain in the front, castle thing in the back. Seriously, you say? Yes, seriously.

It was absurd. Everywhere you looked, adorable things. If you had no eyeballs, you could still take calendar-worthy photos of this place. See, look, I totally closed my eyes for this one:

Right? I know. And then there’s this, I mean come on.

This guy has a well at his house. A WELL, PEOPLE.

Want a weird slanty roof on your house? Yeah, go ahead and build that shit. And while you’re at it, how bout you also build another, much smaller house on a stick for your birds so they have a place to sing their little Czech songs and mend your clothes and make honey or whatever.

Doesn’t even make sense, right?

How ‘bout this bullshit?

That’s someone’s BACK YARD. Know what was in MY back yard growing up? A rusty swing set and a patch of dirt where we put a kiddie pool for like a week one summer and the grass never grew back.

I bet these bastards even have free healthcare to go along with their stupid stone walkways and gas lamps.

Y’all. I live in a city where grown men will poop in a paper cup and then offer it to you. That totally happened to me once.

*Okay he didn’t offer it to me – that part’s not true. But he totally pooped in the cup. Clint was there, he’ll back me up. We were gonna go to yoga but I was late so we got burgers instead, and then we’re walking to the train and this guy is crouched in a doorway pooping in a cup.

But listen, I don’t judge people who poop in cups. They probably don’t have toilets. Which is why it’s NOT FAIR that these people get to see THIS every morning when they go to drop off their kid at Universal Pre-K.

“Kelly, calm down,” you’re thinking, right? NO, I WON’T. CUZ LOOK AT THIS.

Nope. Not fucking fair.

Don’t you want to fly there and do something really mean to them? BECAUSE I DO.

Look at these dogs. I hate them.

This adorable bug can go f*ck himself.

This guy who’s following his dreams of making wacky metal things? I want to throw him over that stupid wall.

As far as I’m concerned, this little town owes all of us an apology. They are using up a good portion of the world’s pretty things, and they are NOT SHARING.

Any group of people who gets to see this every day has to be doing something seriously evil.

They probably eat little kids from neighboring towns or something.

peaking of evil, when I climbed up that castle thing (of course I climbed it, duh1, 2), the place was completely decorated with creepy witch things. I’m not joking, they were everywhere.

I think they were made by the children of the town, which is even creepier.

This one was hiding and luckily I saw it before it attacked me. (They have to stand still if you’re looking at them – I learned that from Dr. Who.)

I KNOW this town is evil. Look, I’ll prove it.

I’m sitting here, right?

…looking out at this insanity…

…and I’m trying calm my fury about the utter inequity of the world…

And then this breeze blows across my face and up my nose, and I SWEAR TO GOD it was some sort of demon spirit –

” Breeeeathe deeeeeep, Kelllllly”

(right? you can hear it, can’t you?)

” Keeeeelllllllyyyyyyyy breeeeeeeeeeeeathe …”

And I couldn’t help myself because that fucking breeze was like – I don’t even know – it was like – remember the <a href=”” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>Dresden Tomatogasm</a>? It was maybe a little like that, except about A THOUSAND MILLION TIMES BETTER. You have never smelt something so goddamn good in your life, y’all. If you think you have, you’re wrong. This breeze’s smell kicks all other smells’ asses. Your baby? She smells like that homeless guy’s poop cup compared to this breeze. No contest.

So I’m breathing deep, right? I mean real, real deep. Deeper than I’ve ever breathed before. (And I was an opera singer, remember* – I have taken some deep breaths in my time.)

*Don’t forget to be impressed by that, K?

And I close my eyes and start to lay back on my blanket and I was nearly lulled into a sleep that I’m CERTAIN would’ve ended up with a stolen uterus or something… when this plant – this one here:

…stung the fuck out of my finger. It hurt BAD. I wish you could’ve been there, you guys – it was JUST LIKE when sleeping beauty was all in a trance and she goes up those steps and then she gets stung by the evil spinning wheel thing.

Except in my case, getting the shit pricked out of your finger was a GOOD thing because it woke me up from my smellgasm trance and I got the hell off the side of that hill and on the first train out of Czech Republic.

So in conclusion, I want to say the following things to the following things:

Plant: Thank you for saving my life (and my uterus) from the evil breeze.

Town: You should learn to share. And stop eating children and trying to steal uteruses. That shit is going to catch up with you.

Breeze: Go to hell. But first, I wonder if you might have a non-evil bottled version of you lying around somewhere. I will put Taylor Swift’s face on the box and sell you at Macy’s and I will become a bloody millionaire. And when I do, I will buy your dumb little town and ship in some pooping homeless people in order to bring some balance back to world.

Drunk Guy in the Bar: You were alright. We can hang out if you want.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

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A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.


  1. Haiku Mistress

    yes. kelly. i say yes to you and all of your impulses. glad you have a uterus.

  2. Sarah Duncan

    i second Caley’s yes to you, Kelly.

  3. Santa Claus

    Boy, I’m glad your about to reach the end of your travelogue. You are having way to many experiences. How will you ever survive in boring old Texas or HoHum NYC after the Czech Republic with its possessive breezes and smellgasms? I was really impressed by the witch dolls in the castle thingy. They all seemed to be smiling, or was it just that they wanted me to think they were smiling?????? The kids in that town are in some serious need of counseling or something… They should not be that happy to make smiling witches. Thank God to little pricks that don’t happen to your uterus. Some things are just meant to be. Hope you had a better train ride getting out of Czech Rep than you had getting into it. Hey everyone, TODAY IS KELLY’S BIRTHDAY. Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Kelly, Happy birthday to you.(imagine my beautiful tenor voice singing that to you and going up on the end in harmony to all the other voices singing with me)

  4. Kimberly Claus

    Beautiful pictures! CREEPY witch collection, I’m pretty sure you’re correct…there’s some evil uterus or life stealing shit going on there. I can’t wait until I become a millionaire from my mad veterinary practicing skills so I can take a year off and just travel the world!!


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