Next stop: Hack-your-brains-out-ville

by | Aug 2, 2014 | Europe | 7 comments

I have that kind of cough where nothing comes up,  but it’s all rumbly in my chest and at some point I can feel something ripping (I’m not gonna lie, I kind of like that feeling), but I pray and pray that nothing does come up, because my coughs are weak and when that happens it only comes up to the very bottom of my throat, so if I want it out I have to make that disgusting hacking sound – the kind that every guy thinks is okay to do in public(!?!?!) before spitting(?!?!?!). So then I have to decide – hack, swallow, or keep coughing. Or clear my throat, which seems like the polite option, but is often the worst because there’s so much goo that wants to come out that I end up doing this long, grating, chunky throat-clear thing, and everyone in the room knows what’s happeneing and they wish you would hack it up already because they’re eating a banana and nothing’s worse than eating mooshy food while listening to someone choke on their snot.

I just did all of the options – save for the hack, and was finally able to just coughed it up – I am very pleased, despite knowing that none of you will want to make out with me after reading this.

Also, I’m not wearing any underwear right now because I haven’t been able to wash any clothes and I thought it would be a good idea to only pack 5 pair. Before I left, I intended to buy a stopper for the sink in order to do my laundry. Went to Walmart the night before I left but had forgotten my wallet so I thought, no biggs, I’ll figure it out. I have not figured it out. If you have ideas…

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

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A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.


  1. Kimberly Claus

    Dude…I posted a comment, but then it asked me to sign into the gmail I’m already signed in to and disappeared. GRRRR…it went something like this:

    Two things:
    1) Cough a man-cough and hack that crap up! You don’t want to let any foreign goo fester in your chest (this was expanded upon a little).
    2) Going commando is A-OK, as long as you only talk about it after said commando event. Talking about going commando WHILST actually commando is just tacky. None of the dildo stores sold panties?
    Love, your sister who was able to keep a commando event a secret for years!
    PS…Seriously, if you start to actually feel ill, go see someone! Hugs

    • Kelly

      Your comment totally made it. Congrats. 🙂 I did laundry yesterday, btw. All clean and covered down there now.

  2. Lindsey Parks

    You can totally still clean without stopping the sink. 1. Run the water and stick your clothes in it. 2. Dampen the soap bar and scrub the wet, stinky clothes using both the soap and the material against itself. 3. rinse under the running water. Voila!

    • Kelly

      LINDSEY TO THE RESCUE! I will try this and report back…

  3. Santa Claus

    Mine did the same thing as Kim’s. Probably the only panties in the dildo store are the edible kind. I don’t know from first hand experience, but I would imagine they would get uncomfortable walking around in them. I’m just guessing.

    • Kelly

      You are definitely getting edible underwear as a souvenir, Dad.

  4. Sarah Duncan

    ^^^ Bahahahahahah

    What is edible underwear made of? Fruit roll ups?


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