I know, you can’t believe it, right? I hardly can either.
Now if you’re not my mom or my sisters, maybe it’s not clear that this is a big deal, but THIS IS A BIG FREAKING DEAL.
I understand that the rest of the world thinks that tomatoes are awesome. To me, they’re giant eyeballs. Do you want to eat a giant eyeball? I didn’t think so.
Here’s how it happened:
(I know, you’re dying)
I’m in Dresden, right? And it’s a little boring and I’m hungry from all the bike riding (I’ll get to it later, settle down)… so I sit down at this restaurant that happens to make their own pasta. It’s Germany, not Italy, so who knows what that means, but I say to myself, “Just shut up and try it, it’s the cheapest thing on the menu and you spent like $60 today on shit you don’t need.” So I order this lemon tagliatelle thing, and a glass of wine (I’m not that broke). The wine comes first and it’s like three times the size of a New York glass of wine. Seriously. For $5 I got like half a bottle of wine. Crazytown.
So I’m thirsty (from the bike ride, remember), and I down like half the glass right away. Because they don’t bring you water in Germany – only alcohol (it’s the law, I think).
My meal comes, and I think, “Okay. Pasta. Tomatoes. This is normal, it’s cool, you’ve seen this before. Just push the eyeballs to the side like you always do.” But I’m a little tipsy by now, and something starts happening in my brain. “What if you ate that tomato?” it said. “Noooooo!” I gasped. “It’s just a little cherry one,” it said. “You can scoop out the slime – they gave you a spoon and everything. Juuuuuust doooooo iiiiiiitttttt…” it whispered.
And it was like slow motion.
I scooped out the slime…….
And I put that little eyeball in my mouth……
And I had a small orgasm right there at the table.
I’m only sort of joking. Eyeballs are delicious, it turns out. I put the next one in my mouth, WITHOUT SCOOPING, and it was EVEN BETTER.
It was almost like the time I thought “maybe Jesus is just a story” and all the guilt went away. Or when I sang belty show tunes at karaoke after quitting opera.
The whole world is new and open and possible: I can eat a tomato, you guys.
Not only can I eat A tomato, I can eat a whole plate full of tomatoes. I ATE ALL THE FREAKING TOMATOES. It might be the first time I’ve ever cleaned my plate.
Mom! Ben Blozan! Everyone I’ve ever eaten a meal with!
I CLEANED MY PLATE TONIGHT.
What the eff.
I’m nearly 35 years old, and all this time, I’ve been missing out on the glory of a tomato. It’s not slime! It only looks like slime! It’s liquid orgasm is what it is!
What else is there that I’ve been avoiding like this? Cigarettes? Lesbianism?
Mein Gott! There is so much to do! I have a few hours left in Dresden, so we’ll see what happens……