HAAAAAALLSTAAAAAAAAATTTT!!!!!!!!

by | Aug 21, 2014 | Europe | 5 comments

Everything sucks. Look:

WHAT THE F*CK.

I rented this awesome place for the next 5 days:

And I was gonna do this:

And sit out here:

But nope. I get this:

(Did you know this existed, by the way? It’s TEN HOURS LONG!)

…The rain would be cool if I was cuddled up with someone, but I’m ALOOOONE, WAAAAAAAAH! Nothing’s worse than rain sounds when you’re alone.

YES, PEOPLE, I’m whining about being single. I’m getting older and that’s what you do.

(In case you didn’t catch it, that bit about getting older was a hint: my birthday’s in a week. August 28. I’m turning 27. Or 35. One of the two, can’t remember. You can send presents here: http://www.fattoriabassetto.com/. This is where I’ll be from September 2-5. Yes, Mom, I realize I just gave the entire internet my exact location for four days. I’m pretty sure the people who want to kill me aren’t going to fly to Italy to do it. Plus there are no strangers reading this, remember? Only friends.)

—————

Update: It only rained for a little bit today, in the morning, so I took a bike from my B&B (actually I stole it from this other lady staying there, oops)…

It looks like a nice bike, but it was kind of a problem because at home I ride a LADY bike and this is a DUDE bike. With this one, you have to kick your leg around the back to get on, and I kept forgetting and trying to daintily lift my leg through the middle and I looked like a jackass in front of a bunch of Austrians who know how to get on a bike. Also the bike didn’t do hills real well, and I’m in the mountains where there are lots of hills, so I looked like a double jackass, huffing and panting, and going like 2 miles an hour until I gave up and walked it up the damn hill(s). I fucking hated this bike.

Anyways, I stole it from the lady and went out to look at some mountains.

H.O.O.O.O.O.L.Y.  S.H.I.T.

IT IS F*******CKING BEAUTIFUL HERE Y’ALL.

(I think my mom stopped reading my blog, so I’m trying to curb the profanity a little.)

I think if Jesus and Angelina Jolie had a baby that was a mountain, or like a group of mountains, with a lake and some trees and little German* houses, it would look like this place.

* I’m in Austria, not Germany. But ‘Austrian’ sounded weird, so I said ‘German.’ Because I care about the musicality of my words. I’m pretty much just like Poulenc* y’all.

* For those of you who didn’t know, I have a masters degree in Music. I wrote that sentence to impress you. And also to prove that my student loan payments are worth something.

I hesitate to even post pictures because I know you will all hate me and then odds are at least one of you will fly to Italy and actually kill me. Don’t do it, please. Remember, I grew up in Mesquite, Texas. I am DUE some pretty things to make up for my childhood. (Mom and Dad, that wasn’t about you. You were wonderful parents. But Mesquite is fugly.)

So you don’t think I’m being hyperbolic*, this is a selection of images that come up from a google search of Mesquite, Texas:

* favorite word

The first 20 or so are just maps. When has that ever happened when you google a city? That’s how ugly it is there.

And then this stuff:

I’m just sayin’.

Okay, I’m posting pictures, but ONLY because I proved my point about deserving to see pretty things. Plus I spent a buttload of money on this camera and am carrying around all 45 pounds of it on my back everywhere I go.

First, let me say, when I arrived here last night, it was real dark and rainy, so I couldn’t see anything. Which meant when I woke up and walked outside and saw this, I immediately crapped my pants*.

*I want to make sure everyone understands, this pants-crapping was completely unrelated to the other day’s unfortunate events, also involving crapping. This was pure, reactionary pants-crapping. Also, I didn’t actually crap my pants. (I’m a lady.)

Here’s what I saw:

AND THAT’S JUST THE DRIVEWAY.

Yeah, no bigs. Just the neighborhood, what?

I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND THIS.

I sat on that bench for like an hour and just stared my face off. I mean, look how craggy these rocks are!!!!!!

After a while I thought I might be going blind, so I sat on a dock thing in the middle of the lake and drank a cappuccino and cross stitched for a while.

I know, that’s super nerdy, but I love it. It gives my eyes a break from all that big stuff, AND allows me to start up conversations with old ladies on busses. You think I’m kidding, but it happens a lot. I met one in Krakow who gave me this apple because she was so happy to see a “young person” doing an “old lady” thing. She was speaking Polish, so I don’t know if that’s exactly what she said, but I’m pretty sure it was something close to that.

The apple was mealy and gross, in case you’re wondering. But I still ate it out of respect for the old lady.

Back to Hallstatt.

Right now, I’m sitting here, writing this post:

I KNOW.

You can’t hear it, but there’s a little fountain in the bushes back there that makes water noise (the pee kind that everyone loves, not the crying kind that single people hate). It’s completely ridiculous.

Anyways, tomorrow, my new friend Bibhu is coming on her way from Salzburg to Somewhere to hang out with me. She’s from Nepal and I met her in Poland (I’m so worldly, right?). She also has the most awesome name on the planet, so I’m pretty excited to hang out with her – I bet she’s got some great stories. (I only spent a couple hours with her over lunch, so I’m hoping she’s not an asshole. Yes, Mom, I’m hiding all my money while she’s here.)

OH! I also took this picture in honor of YOU, Mom!

(not that you’re reading this)

It’s a bowling alley. In Austria. And even though it’s hands-down the ugliest thing in the entire village, it still made me a little nostalgic* for home.

* If you don’t know, I was raised in a bowling alley, that’s not a joke. And my Mom is like the queen of youth bowling, which is a real thing, I promise.

And so I will leave you with this, good people:

Go to far off lands, see beautiful things, meet people with cool names. But don’t get too big for your britches. You will always be that girl with a crazy profile who grew up in a bowling alley in Mesquite, Texas. And that’s actually kinda great*.

*Cuz then you can post videos like this one.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

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BOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!

I go home today. WHAT AM I GONNA DO, Y'ALL?!? How am I going to live in my one little room and sit at my office and do all these normal things every day!? HOW am I not going to eat that insane cheese I ate yesterday, or not bike through adorable, windy streets, or not...

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

5 Comments

  1. Michael Griego

    Nice browser tabs… 🙂 I hate to think what kind of Google search hits you’re getting tagging your post with boobs, though. Oy.

    In any case, Mesquite is, unfortunately, probably fuglier than you remember. Not sure when you were home last, but I try to avoid heading that direction anymore. Helps that my parents no longer live there. Does make me sad to think about it, though.

    Reply
  2. Santa Claus

    Thanks for the memories of you bowling. You really looked good. How many times did it take to get a shot of you getting a strike. I will show mom the picture of the bowling alley. The place you are staying is really beautiful. I hope Bibhu is not reading your blog. She might be offended by your comment about hiding your money. Where is Bibhu from? I bet her hometown was not so wonderful either. Unless you are from NYC, everywhere else just blows. The pictures are just stunning. I am really glad you got that camera. I have had so much fun looking at them and laughing at your writing. You really have a knack. Just wish you could figure out how to make some money at it. I’ll show mom the picture of the bowling alley, but not the rest. She is easily embarrassed. Besides, I don’t know that she can figure out what the F*%)*ing s*&% means. I will post you later. Happy almost birthday. Wish I could give you a hug tomorrow. Consider yourself hugged. Love you.

    Reply
  3. Kelly

    Dad, I struck like 15 times in a row. I had to CHOOSE which video to use, cuz I’m that good. You can ask Drew – he was there. I totally spanked him.

    Reply
    • Kelly

      Also WTF? Is Mom not reading my blog!? That’s complete shit. She needs to read it. Good moms read their daughters’ profane travel blogs. That’s the rules.

      Reply
  4. Michelle Rosales

    Kelly, I love your blogs! They are hillarious & I like seeing the pictures. Nice to see you traveling the world & happy.

    Reply

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