BOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!

by | Sep 9, 2014 | Europe | 1 comment

I go home today.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO, Y’ALL?!?

How am I going to live in my one little room and sit at my office and do all these normal things every day!? HOW am I not going to eat that insane cheese I ate yesterday, or not bike through adorable, windy streets, or not meet all these wacky beautiful people? Or not learn Italian BY TALKING TO REAL-LIFE ITALIANS!?

You guys. I love my life. Really – I have a great life. Like, the best. But traveling is better. Not better – differently awesome.

Naaw, fuck it. It’s better.

And now I’m going home, and I know it will feel good to sleep in my bed and see my friends and not smell disgusting* all the time.

* Lack of morning routine = constant forgetting of deodorant.

And I will be happy to be able to read street signs and laxative instructions and communicate without sounding like a 2-year-old. I am excited about all of those things, but goddamn, I’m going to miss this.

And what SUPER-sucks is that I haven’t even written about like half of the places I’ve been!

AAAAARRRGHHHHBRLGRFSOFDKLJSDFLJ&*$%^@#!

I watched this thing on Shakira a few years ago (hear me out)… She wrote this song, right? It was a commission for a Coke commercial or something dumb like that. And she loved the song she wrote, but the suits who asked her to write it were like “your song sucks, write another one” and she was all “I gave birth to this song and now it exists and it’s my child and it will die without a purpose and now I’m in mourning, etc., etc., blah, blah, ay-ay-ay…” It was real dramatic.

That’s similar to how I feel about not writing about these other places. Like I’m choosing not to pick up my kid from preschool or something.

In this metaphor, I look just like Shakira, btw.

I DIDN’T FORGET, KRAKOW! I REALLY, REALLY LOVED YOU!

AND CERTALDO, YOU KINDA SUCKED A LITTLE, BUT THE HAMMOCK AT THAT MONESTARY I STAYED AT WAS TOTALLY KICK-ASS!

AND POSITANO!

AND POMPEII!

AND FLORENCE OH-MY-GOD!

Okay-I’m-hyperventilating-breathebreathebreathe-kelly-breeeeeathe……

[sigh]

Tell me what to do, y’all. I’m putting this in your hands. I will do whatever you say.


A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

A random assortment of other crap you might be interested in reading…

This might be the grossest story you’ve ever heard

This might be the grossest story you’ve ever heard

I’m back in Bangkok, finally, after 32 hours of traveling, at least 3 of which were spent in various bathrooms trying to dig a piece of plastic out of my vagina. WELCOME BACK, Y'ALL! This isn’t how this trip was supposed to start, obviously… me, explaining to a...

Krakow: The Sh*t

Krakow: The Sh*t

I've written like 30 versions of this post. They all start with “I effing loved Krakow, I'm probably moving there, real sorry parents/boss/plants” and then they deteriorate into some made-up story about a juggler throwing his underwear at an accordion trio, which...

Auschwitz.

Auschwitz.

Can’t make The Holocaust funny, can you? Nope, not even if you’re an old man who wet-farts through the Auschwitz tour. The funny just turns off in that place. You don’t laugh and you don’t answer your cell phone and you don’t get an ice cream cone from the giftshop...

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

1 Comment

  1. Kimberly Claus

    This stupid blog site forces me to relog in to Gmail even though I literally just checked my e-mail before typing a nice comment to you. It deletes my comment when I sign in again. GRRRRRR.
    I REFUSE to try and recreate my initial comment. Long and short…go home, enjoy your regular life, travel again. Love ya

    Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Don’t Tell Any Crazy People…

(Except sometimes I pretend I'm still in other places I've been before. Play along, jerks.)

Get Crap in Your Inbox

Location-Specific Crap

Crap I’m Listening To

I dunno. Maybe somebody cares.

Want some creepy emails from me?

I don't even know why this is a question.

Sweet. Check your email, dood.

Share This