Oops on forgetting to make a will before I left…

by | May 19, 2016 | Australia | 6 comments

I’m staying in the dirtiest hostel on the planet right now. I’m not even exaggerating, y’all – this morning I went to wash my socks in the bathroom and there was an onion in the sink.

I was already fairly certain I’d contracted TB after I accidentally touched that communal hand towel in Auckland, but I just took a shower in the bathroom where people throw their food, and now there’s no question. I’m definitely going to die.

…Which would normally be a problem since I don’t have health insurance and I haven’t even married Martin Sexton yet, but none of that matters because:



Most of you know Caitlin, so you get how completely-freaking-great this is. But for those of you who don’t – how do I describe this? – Caitlin is like the opposite of a horrible disease. She is double rainbows and sneezing puppies and perfectly-mixed slurpees. She’s one of those People You Love So Much it’s Hard Not to Be Creepy About It. She’s also Australian, which makes her even better, because Australians are always more awesome than normal people, even the shitty mean ones.

Me and Caitlin are gonna talk about boys and make cookies and have all kinds of deep conversations about how much she’s going to miss me when my Ebola kicks in. She is going to cry and I’m going to pat her perfect hair and say things like “there, there” and it will be completely wonderful. I’m so excited about it.

I’m also excited because I get to sleep in the same bed for the next 12 nights in a row. I don’t even care that there are probably spermbugs in the mattress, I am ready to slow the eff down for a minute. The last month has been sort of way too much. Good things, mostly – new friends and fancy meals and this awesome yoghurt-flavored soda Eric introduced me to…


…but I’ve also been feeling a fair amount of “Jesus Christ I’m so freaking tired” and “Waaaaait, where did all my money go?” and “Crap, I hope I don’t pass my Smallpox to Caitlin when I see her.” It’s been a little stressful.

So. The next two weeks are for breathing and catching up on things and drumming up some work to refill the coffers.*

And for finding a cure for my Malaria.

And for braiding Caitlin’s hair.


*If you want to make my final days more comfortable by assisting in my coffer-filling, you are welcome to hire me to do stuff for you

**Alternatively, if you’d like to just give me lots of money to write this blog instead of doing real people work, I will promise at least a couple of posts about how creepy my feelings for you are. (My paypal is under kellyiclaus@gmail.com.)

***If you can’t do either of those things, I would accept a marriage proposal from Martin Sexton. Or at least a tweet telling me how sad he is that I have Syphilis. (Here’s his twitter if you want to PM him about it: www.twitter.com/martin_sexton)

****No pressure on any of this.

*****Even though I’m dying.

Read an update on my health here.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

A random assortment of other crap you might be interested in reading…

I almost missed all of it, but then… Slurpees.

I almost missed all of it, but then… Slurpees.

YOU GUYS, I’M IN THAILAND!!! I've wanted to come here FORFREAKINGEVER, and now I'm here and it's the best and I'm sososososososo happy about it! But I'm not actually gonna talk about that right now because I want to tell you about this awesome thing that happened...

Health Update / Final Wishes

Health Update / Final Wishes

I wanted to keep you all informed about the many ailments I've contracted in the past week or so. I know you've been worried since my last post, which you can read here. Status: First of all, I won't keep you in suspense...I'm still alive. Mobility is high,...

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.


  1. Santa (Dad)

    Who the hell is Martin Sexton? Never heard that name before. If it is someone famous, just say “ah thats just my ancient and dopey Dad”

    Hope some work comes your way. Also how many diseases have you contracted. I think I read at least 3 in this post. How long is it going to take you to get cured once you get back?

    • Caley

      Your dad’s comments on your blog are very close to being my favorite part about reading your blog, Kelly.

    • Lynn in TN

      You’re taking this all pretty well, Mr. Claus. But I suppose at this point you’re used to her!

    • Kelly

      Dad, Martin Sexton is the greatest musician to ever have lived. Better than the Beatles. I’m not fucking kidding you, he’s DOPE. But no, he’s not actually very famous, so you should be embarrassed. Although you should be very, VERY upset that you went 68 years not knowing about him.

      • Kelly

        Or however old you are. I forget.

      • Kelly

        I meant NOT. You should NOT be embarrassed. Except for maybe about that perm you had when I was a kid. You made it work, but still.


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Don’t Tell Any Crazy People…

(Except sometimes I pretend I'm still in other places I've been before. Play along, jerks.)

Get Crap in Your Inbox

Location-Specific Crap

Real-Time Crap on Instagram

Crap I’m Listening To

I dunno. Maybe somebody cares.

Want some creepy emails from me?

I don't even know why this is a question.

Sweet. Check your email, dood.

Share This