If you’re following me on Facebook or Instagram, you know I’m in Texas right now.

If you’re not following me, I will pause while you go do that. Because a) I need lots of attention on social media to make me feel good about myself, and b) just fucking do it, okay?

Seriously, I’ll wait.

Okay, cool, now we can continue.

So I’m in Texas. And you may be wondering, “Why the fark would she go to Texas?”

To which I would reply “DUH, THERE ARE BABIES HERE I NEED TO SNUGGLE.”

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Also it’s 153 degrees on average here, so I will add “DUH, I LOVE NEARLY DYING OF HEAT STROKE BASICALLY ALL THE TIME.”

That, and I need to figure out how to do my taxes cuuuuuuuz I sorta forgot to do that before I left a few months ago and now I’m freaking out about it. And I gotta make some money so I can go see more Places That Are Not Texas. And I want to dump some stuff at my parents’ house so I’m not carrying two thousand pounds of shit around Asia anymore. So there are a lot of reasons, really.

But mostly babies.

And BBQ (I forgot that one before – that one’s important).

I used to hate going Texas. And there are definitely still many reasons* to deny I have any connection to it whatsoever.

*I would LOVE to expound upon this, but I’m pretty sure some of my family members were gunning for a Trump-Palin ticket (YEAH) and I’m not across the world anymore to avoid the awkward dinners where we fight about it. Soooooo, mouth shut on the issue till I’m in Tibet or something.

So far though, being here has made me happier than a pig in shit*. I’m picking kids up from daycare and finger-painting enormous octopusses and taking sisters to doctors appointments and it’s freaking awesome.

*People always say they can’t tell I’m from Texas and then I’m here for 20 minutes and I start saying things like “happier than a pig in shit” and I immediately look around for the nearest concealed weapon to shoot myself in the face with.

But it’s true. I really am super happy to be home. I pooped three times today, you guys. THREE TIMES. I’m choosing to believe that this is because I’m so very relaxed, and not because of the unbelievable amount of fried shit I’m eating.

True story: Today I got lunch with my sisters. We went to a burger place, and there was no salad on the menu* so I was like “Yeah, okay, a burger is fine, but gimme the kids size, and hold the bacon, and I’ll take the carrot sticks and green beans instead of those fries, which look really awesome and tasty, but no, no, veggies for me, thanks.” As I’m ordering, I notice the guy calls them “veggie frites,” and I think surely that’s just a funny little joke, they have to be steamed but then my meal comes, and not only is the “kids size” burger actually just a not-fucking-enormous-but-still-slightly-bigger-than-a-normal-adult-sized burger, the veggies are, in fact, 100% deep fried.

Deep fried green beans. They weren’t even breaded. Just soaked in hot grease for a few minutes and served up as the “healthy” option.

That is what we do here, y’all.

I ate them, because fried vegetables are better than no vegetables (I think). And then I stole some of my sister’s bacon, cuz if I was pumping my arteries full of stuff that clogs arteries, I might as well enjoy it.

*For the record, I always want a burger, always. I’m not even really that health conscious. But I have never come home to Texas without gaining at least 5 pounds, and I’m usually only here for like a week. Gotta temper that shit this go-around so I don’t “outgrow” my quick-dry pants. 

And now, instead of checking out that Zumba class at the community center like I swore I was gonna do, I’m chillin’ with my niece on my sister’s couch (chillin’ because even though it’s 153 degrees outside, it’s about 15 degrees inside, everywhere, all the time, I’m so fucking cold right now), downing shots of pepto while pulling clumps of playdough out of my hair and trying to pretend I don’t see the sign on the wall that says “You can have my gun when I’m out of bullets.”

Freaking bliss, right?

Yup. It’s crazy.Even though I’ve seen all these places and done all this stuff, and I have plans to go and see and do a whole bunch more, for right now, and for the next couple months, I’m just as happy to sit here and enjoy my family… Lord willing and the creek don’t rise.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

Want some creepy emails from me?

I don't even know why this is a question.

Sweet. Check your email, dood.

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