So I was very near publishing a new post about accidental testicle consumption, but then my new friend Julian commented on one of my old posts and I felt like you might all benefit from a response to his question……..

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Apparently there’s some confusion about the meaning of the word “chode,” which I used in my 4/28 post about Vegemite and an old English lady probably-named Edith*.

*The fact that my brain connected those three things makes me a little worried about my wiring, but that’s a topic for another time.

I had used the word to describe a certain presidential nominee who wears a pillow on his head. You can read the original post here if you want. It’s not brilliant, but might give you some context.

There were two comments on the post:

JulianComment

Now, Julian’s dead wrong on the Vegemite front. That shit is disgusting. And I just looked up Bovril and now I think I might never speak to him again, even though we just met and he definitely seemed like someone I’d want to hang out with.

But before I write him off completely, I want to clarify the definition of “chode” because I think it is very, very important. In fact I think it’s absolutely critical that all of you know this word, especially if you want to hold your own in conversations about American politics.

Please feel free – nay, obligated – to forward this post far and wide. Knowledge is power, people.

Before I get started, I want to send the following messages to the following people:

To my friends who don’t know what a chode is: DO NOT FEEL BAD. The fact that you don’t know this means you are probably a much better person than me.

To my friends who (also) thought everyone in the world knew about chodes: Thank you, my tribe, for not making me feel like some sort of degenerate.

To my Dad: I forgot to respond to your comment, ooops. I’m so sorry you’ve had to live in the dark until now. Everything will be made clear momentarily. That said, I’m really surprised you, of all people, don’t know this word.

To my nieces or nephews who are reading this: THIS IS AN ADULT BLOG, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING READING IT, GO TO BED. (Also please don’t ask your Mom what a chode is, and if you do, definitely don’t tell her you heard it from your Aunt Kelly.)

To the boss monitoring his employees’ online activity who was recently alerted that Jon the IT guy has been reading about chodes at work: PLEASE DON’T PUNISH JON. It’s possible (although unlikely) that he doesn’t even know what a chode is. And either way you should probably thank him, because now you know what it means, too.

Okay, now for the meat* of it.

*That’s a joke. You’ll get it in a minute.

chode

noun [choh’-də]

A chode is a part of the male anatomy. (Jon, you should probably stop reading now. But bookmark this page for when you get home, K?) It’s like a little stretch of skin that no one really knows what to do with (or what to call, apparently), and it lives between that one part that you hose down after a poo, and that other part that holds all your sperms.

Because of its proximity to the butthole, and the fact that it’s all squished up in your underwear most of the time, and  – real reason – because guys are generally bad at wiping, the chode is not something you want to really spend much time touching or looking at or putting your face next to*.

*Men, you should probably send your girlfriend flowers RIGHT NOW.

Use and context.

Calling someone a chode is not very nice. You should only use it to describe really shitty people like reality stars who run for president or Paul Ryan.

You should not say it loudly in church or nice restaurants.

You should not use it to describe your boss in emails to coworkers. (Especially you, Jon.)

You should not say it in front of that obnoxious young child in your family who repeats everything over and over.

It’s probably fine to use it in front of your mom or your grandma, because they won’t have a clue. (If they do, please contact me because I desperately want you to guest-blog about your childhood.)

Synonyms.

Another word for “chode” is “taint.” Doesn’t quite have the same ring though, does it?

Origins.

Unknown. I’m guessing a frat house somewhere in Oklahoma.

Alternate Meanings.

In researching for this post, I learned that there is some debate on the meaning of the word. Some people think a chode is an unfortunately-shaped/sized penis (“tuna can” is a phrase used in more than one Urban Dictionary entry). This is not my understanding of the word, so for the purposes of this blog, and any metaphors used herein, we’re gonna go with “stinky stretch of skin between the butthole and the balls.”

Although the other one might work too, now that I think of it.

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All clear now, Julian? Lemme know if there’s still any confusion. (Dad, if you have questions, ask someone else. This is as much as I’m willing to talk to you about penises, sorry.)

Don’t forget to share this, you guys. IT IS YOUR CIVIC DUTY.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

Want some creepy emails from me?

I don't even know why this is a question.

Sweet. Check your email, dood.

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