I totally suck at this.

I hate to go all Negative Nancy, but there's really no other way to paint this picture. In the first 24 hours of my trip, I eff'd up pretty much everything that could be eff'd up. Eff-up #1: Left my drivers license in New York. Eff-up #2:...

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February 17: NEW. FREAKING. ZEALAND.

This is what's happening and you freaks can't stop me. (That said, I will not argue if you'd like to buy me lunch before I leave, xo.) A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear. A thousand puppies will live...

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Krakow: The Sh*t

I've written like 30 versions of this post. They all start with “I effing loved Krakow, I'm probably moving there, real sorry parents/boss/plants” and then they deteriorate into some made-up story about a juggler throwing his underwear at an...

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ACK.

Just saw my first cockroach since I’ve been back. I knew it would happen eventually. Was hoping that since the summer’s over, I’d sneak by without seeing any. But there I was, drinking my latte in my favorite little coffee shop, and there he...

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HELLO AGAIN!

I’M HOME! I was all sad about it, but now I have all my STUFF and my PEOPLE and I’m SO HAPPY! Hello bedroom! Hello dresses! Hello pee-pee-dance people in my bathroom! Hello Chris Voss Original! Buy his shit, y'all. Hello sign I made for that...

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BOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!

I go home today. WHAT AM I GONNA DO, Y'ALL?!? How am I going to live in my one little room and sit at my office and do all these normal things every day!? HOW am I not going to eat that insane cheese I ate yesterday, or not bike through...

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Auschwitz.

Can’t make The Holocaust funny, can you? Nope, not even if you’re an old man who wet-farts through the Auschwitz tour. The funny just turns off in that place. You don’t laugh and you don’t answer your cell phone and you don’t get an ice cream...

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Day 1 – Salzburg Schmalzburg

I have to be honest with you, I’ve been a little stuck. The past week has been one amazing thing after another, and I’m completely overwhelmed and humbled and misty about pretty much all of it, to the point where I have no idea what to write,...

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All I Want for My Birthday Is…

I’m not gonna talk about my birthday like it’s some big deal – it’s not. And the truth is, I spent most of the day in this bathroom trying to go Number Two (it was Day 4, and things were getting serious). So it didn’t really feel like much of a...

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No, Czech Republic, You Cannot Have My Uterus

Have you ever watched Blades of Glory in Czech? I have. It’s pretty life changing. I mean, I could end this blog right now – that’s how good it is to watch this movie in Czech. Know what else is life changing? A hotel room with a TV in it. And your own big...

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HAAAAAALLSTAAAAAAAAATTTT!!!!!!!!

Everything sucks. Look: WHAT THE F*CK. I rented this awesome place for the next 5 days: And I was gonna do this: And sit out here: But nope. I get this: (Did you know this existed, by the way? It's TEN HOURS LONG!) ...The rain would be cool if...

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Dresden: I mean, I bought a dress there.

So my buddy Rozz told me to go to Dresden (hey Rozz). She’s also the one who told me to hook up with Mario and Logan in Berlin (hey y'all), so I’m thinking Dresden is a shoe-in. Favorite place on the trip, for sure. But when I got to Berlin and...

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Prague: A Series of F*ckups

Let me first say that Prague is awesome. But my first experience with it was a little nutty. I actually don’t want to relay what happened there – it’s not that interesting, to be honest. But it was weird and I’d like to un-remember a chunk of...

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The Princess and The Huge Sausage

I have to tell you about this other thing I did that I’m real proud of. It doesn’t seem that interesting when I think about how to relay it, but I have to tell someone and I’m aaaall alone here. So I’m in Bad Schandau, right? That’s the little...

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Do you think this is a camera?

It's on the ceiling of my hotel room. I had a weird "maybe there are cameras in this bathroom" experience the other day, so it's possible I'm just on high alert. If it's NOT a camera, WHAT IS IT? Someone, you have to help me with this. If it...

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I Accidentally Climbed a Mountain the Other Day.

There is a huge hole in the ass of my pajamas. Don’t know how long it’s been there, but I realized it the other morning at breakfast. And by that, I mean, in front of at least 20 Germans who were also eating their breakfast. They kept smiling at me, and I thought,...

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Ahoy, bitches.

So I found this place near Dresden – a national park called Saxon Switzerland. Which is deceivingly half in Germany and half in the Czech Republic, and 0% in Switzerland. WTF, right? Anyways, they have these crazy craggy rocks and I really...

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I JUST ATE A TOMATO

I know, you can’t believe it, right? I hardly can either. Now if you’re not my mom or my sisters, maybe it’s not clear that this is a big deal, but THIS IS A BIG FREAKING DEAL. I understand that the rest of the world thinks that tomatoes are...

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Don’t Tell Any Crazy People…

(Except sometimes I pretend I'm still in other places I've been before. Play along, jerks.)

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