Someone told me this post was gross and that I should maybe add a disclaimer about the content. I was gonna do it, but then I realized the title is pretty disclaimer-y already.

IF YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO BE A PUPPYCAM OR SOMETHING, THEN YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT TITLES ARE FOR IS SERIOUSLY LACKING.

This post is about killing chickens. It actually is.

So read it, don’t read it, whatever you want. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. And if you’d rather watch a puppy cam, here’s a good one:



 

OKAY, WEINERS. I’M STARTING NOW.



 

For those of you who have never killed a chicken before, you might be wondering how it’s actually done.

Sit down, young ones, let me tell you…

Wait though – before you do anything, it’s important that you do a few things to set the tone.

Change into your killing clothes…

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…find a good killing song…

*If at all possible, listen to this while you’re reading – it really captures the vibe I’m going for. But turn it down low so you don’t get distracted from my glorious writing (or get fired from your job for listening to songs with the n-word at the office). Alternatively, you can opt for the karaoke version, which isn’t spectacular, but will be made far better if you imagine the chicken smoking a fat blunt.  

**Because Snoop is performing the part of the chicken.

***Obviously.

…put on your killing face.

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Okay, here we go.

STEP 1: PREPARE YOUR INSTRUMENTS 

Get your knife all sharp, and grab some string to tie the chicken’s feet together. Boil a big ol’ bucket of water.

Cock your gun.

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This is harder than it sounds because the gun is old and shitty, and because your arms have no muscles.

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Mumble expletives while the men of the farm laugh and point at you.

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STEP 2: READY YOUR CHICKEN.

Set all your tools on the ground and pick up the chicken.

Tip: If you stick its head downward, it won’t fight you as much. This is because chickens are dumb and they think being upside down means they’re safe.

Tie his feet together so he can’t get away or run around after you’ve killed him (chickens are sneaky like that).

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Lay your chicken on the “kill board” (for real, that’s what it’s called) and tie it down.

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Thank your chicken for its life. That part is really important. It makes you less of an asshole for killing it.

STEP 3: SHOOT IT IN THE HEAD WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS GUN.

Some people don’t do this part, but the lady on this farm does to ensure that the chicken dies immediately with no pain. She’s so nice, right?

*She is also very attractive and this picture of her is mega-weird which is why I fuzzed out her face. Also she doesn’t know about this blog, and it’s kind of a dick move to post someone’s picture on the internet when they don’t know about it. 

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After you shoot it, the chicken will freak out and start flapping its wings and trying to run around, even though it’s dead. You’ll think you’re prepared for this because the lady told you it’s gonna happen, but you will still be surprised because WHAT THE FUCK, DEAD THINGS DON’T MOVE LIKE THAT.

STEP 4: DRAIN THE BLOOD.

Get your shit together and kneel down with the chicken and then grab your super sharp knife and cut its throat.

Warning: You will get blood all the fuck over you, and it will be warm and gooey and probably a little clotty.

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STEP 5: DUNK THE CHICKEN. 

This is what that big pot of boiling water is for. Hold the chicken by his feet and swirl him around for a minute.

IMPORTANT: DO NOT DUNK YOUR OWN HAND IN THE WATER. IT FUCKING HURTS AND YOU WILL YELL BAD WORDS IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ALL FARMY AND INNOCENT AND YOU WILL BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT WHAT A STUPID VULGAR AMERICAN YOU ARE.

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STEP 6: PULL OUT THE FEATHERS.

This is gross. The feathers come out way easy because of the dunking, and you’ll think it’s all cool and fun in a creepy “Am I maybe a psychopath?” way, but then you’ll start to notice all these blobby brown things that sort of ooze out of the holes where the quills used to be.

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It’s seriously disgusting. After that, you won’t want to touch your chicken anymore, but you have to because you don’t want all the men of the farm to think you’re a pansy, and because feathery chickens stink up your house when you cook them.

Suck it up and keep plucking.

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STEP 7: CUT OFF THE HEAD AND THE FEET.

This is gross too. Especially if you do it with a pair of dull garden shears instead of something quick and sharp, like one of those awesome cleaver things.

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STEP 8: FIND YOUR CHICKEN’S BUTTHOLE AND CUT IT OPEN A FEW INCHES WIDER SO YOUR HAND WILL FIT IN.

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Just do it, you have to. Stop crying.

Note: This is where Tom’s camera ran out of batteries, which is lucky for you because it is probably the grossest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

Except for maybe this show I watched last night called “Embarrassing Bodies,” which was about this guy who had an ingrown hair on his butt that turned into a “gaping hole” – like a second butthole, but HUUUGE – way, way bigger than his real butthole. They had to cut out a big chunk of his butt and sew it back together using other parts of his body to fill in all the stuff they removed. It was horrifying. (You can watch it here, if you want.)

Anyways, what I did to the chicken was sorta like that, except it was a chicken, not a big British dude. And I didn’t sew him back up.

STEP 9: STICK YOUR HAND INSIDE THE CHICKEN’S MASSIVE NEW BUTTHOLE AND SEPARATE ALL ITS GUTS FROM THE WALLS OF ITS BODY.

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Uh-huh.

If your chicken is old, he’ll have really strong “connective tissue” that you can’t figure out how to break through, and you will have your hand inside of its butt for like 30 minutes, digging around and pulling on things you’re not sure you’re supposed to pull on. You will be told very sternly to NOT RUPTURE THE INTESTINES because then there will be poop everywhere, which doesn’t seem much worse than all the clotty blood and internal organs you’re already touching, but you will be careful anyways.

STEP 10: LET THE LADY TAKE OVER BECAUSE YOUR SCRAWNY HANDS AREN’T STRONG ENOUGH TO DO IT.

And because it is very, very warm inside the chicken, which sounds nice but I promise your brain will not be able to handle the hot-sticky-horror of it.

Stand there with your bloody left hand watching her while she pulls out all the stuff and tells you how enormous your chicken’s testicles are.

Say “Oh my god” at least 50 times in a row.

STEP 11: CLEAN UP.

Hose off the chicken (and your hand) and stick it in a pot with some ice. The chicken, not your hand. And maybe also your hand since you burned it with the water.

Go find the dog and try to scrub the blood out of his head-hair from when he was trying to eat a freshly-slaughtered chicken.

STEP 12: CELEBRATE.

Be really proud of yourself for a couple hours, and then get all fainty and go lie down. (More on that here, if you’re interested.)

STEP 13: EAT THE CHICKEN.

Full disclosure, I didn’t actually eat my chicken. I had to leave the farm before it was done cooking. But Tom* told me he was delicious.

*Tom’s the guy who took all these pictures. Tom, if I my blog ever makes a bunch of money, I’ll totally give you a cut.

**It’s possible I’m lying about that.

***Probable. Leaning toward definitely.

****But you got to eat the chicken, so I’d say we’re pretty much even.

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That’s it. That’s how you kill a chicken. Or how I killed a chicken, anyways. Your tools may vary, and I’m sure you’ll develop your own style over time. The most important thing is to get creative and enjoy yourself!

And P.S., if you’re feeling bad for the chicken, I hear you. I kinda do too. But apparently he was a real d-bag, so he got what was coming to him.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

Want some creepy emails from me?

I don't even know why this is a question.

Sweet. Check your email, dood.

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