Gimme that knife.

by | Apr 1, 2016 | New Zealand | 3 comments

I started my period today.

“Gross, why did you tell us that?” say the men.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP COME HERE LET ME STAB YOU,” I say in response.

I’m not joking, I want to stab everyone and everything.

I want to stab that girl at T-mobile for selling me this phone that sucks.

ShitCamera-a

And Meagan for wanting the teal instead of the green on that thing I designed for her.

And the oven, which burned the pork chops and made the foil stick to the pan, which I then had to scrape off for 20 minutes LET ME STAB YOU, OVEN, OH MY GOD, I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

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I want. To stab. Everything.

I want to stab all of you and this dog sitting next to me and probably myself in a minute if this Midol doesn’t kick in.

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You’d think this is normal, because I’m a girl and PMS is a thing girls get, it happens to all of us, blah blah blah SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE THIS IS NOT NORMAL FOR ME.

I never get PMS. And I almost never get grumpy (I say, as laughter erupts from the mouths of my coworkers and parents and ex-husbands and everyone else who’s ever met me). Okay, I get grumpy, but that’s 100% because some people are idiots, 0% because of my ladycycle.

Idiot

It’s freaking me out a little, honestly. Anytime there’s anything new happening “down there,” I get all “MY MENOPAUSE IS STARTING!!!!” which would have been neurotic and funny ten years ago, but now I’m old and that shit is totally possible, y’all, you just never know.

Today I was chatting with my friend Steve and I said something about something and he said “Ah, youth” and had to remind him that I’m 36 and probably barren. And then instead of saying “Oh you’ve got plenty of time” like a sensitive, compassionate friend, he said “Well you can probably buy a baby.”

YOU CAN PROBABLY BUY A BABY. 

THANKS A LOT STEVE, GET READY FOR A STABBING*.

*He’s probably right though. I’m going to Cambodia in a couple months, so I might check it out.

To cheer myself up, I organized this cabinet at my Workaway:

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And then I went to Steve’s facebook to steal a good picture I could photoshop some knives onto, and I found this:

And now I feel awesome.

——————

If you’d like to find out more about my bodily functions, go here. Or here. Or here

If you’re annoyed because you thought this was a travel blog and you just read a long thing about my period, you can read this post about the time I stole a bike in Austria, which is sort of interesting and doesn’t talk about blood or poop or snot or anything like that (at least as far as I can remember). Or you can go stab yourself, whatever you want.

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

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3 Comments

  1. Sara Hughes

    I freakin’ love you and this SO MUCH!!!
    Missing you, Kelly.

    ❤️ Sara

    Reply
  2. HB

    Don’t stab the ?!

    Reply
  3. Jeremy

    it was a picture of me wasn’t it? i’m the idiot.

    Reply

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