I JUST ATE A TOMATO

by | Aug 11, 2014 | Europe | 10 comments

I know, you can’t believe it, right? I hardly can either.

Now if you’re not my mom or my sisters, maybe it’s not clear that this is a big deal, but THIS IS A BIG FREAKING DEAL.

I understand that the rest of the world thinks that tomatoes are awesome. To me, they’re giant eyeballs. Do you want to eat a giant eyeball? I didn’t think so.

Here’s how it happened:

(I know, you’re dying)

I’m in Dresden, right? And it’s a little boring and I’m hungry from all the bike riding (I’ll get to it later, settle down)… so I sit down at this restaurant that happens to make their own pasta. It’s Germany, not Italy, so who knows what that means, but I say to myself, “Just shut up and try it, it’s the cheapest thing on the menu and you spent like $60 today on shit you don’t need.” So I order this lemon tagliatelle thing, and a glass of wine (I’m not that broke). The wine comes first and it’s like three times the size of a New York glass of wine. Seriously. For $5 I got like half a bottle of wine. Crazytown.

So I’m thirsty (from the bike ride, remember), and I down like half the glass right away. Because they don’t bring you water in Germany – only alcohol (it’s the law, I think).

My meal comes, and I think, “Okay. Pasta. Tomatoes. This is normal, it’s cool, you’ve seen this before. Just push the eyeballs to the side like you always do.” But I’m a little tipsy by now, and something starts happening in my brain. “What if you ate that tomato?” it said. “Noooooo!” I gasped. “It’s just a little cherry one,” it said. “You can scoop out the slime – they gave you a spoon and everything. Juuuuuust doooooo iiiiiiitttttt…” it whispered.

And it was like slow motion.

I scooped out the slime…….

And I put that little eyeball in my mouth……

And I had a small orgasm right there at the table.

I’m only sort of joking. Eyeballs are delicious, it turns out. I put the next one in my mouth, WITHOUT SCOOPING, and it was EVEN BETTER.

It was almost like the time I thought “maybe Jesus is just a story” and all the guilt went away. Or when I sang belty show tunes at karaoke after quitting opera.

The whole world is new and open and possible: I can eat a tomato, you guys.

Not only can I eat A tomato, I can eat a whole plate full of tomatoes. I ATE ALL THE FREAKING TOMATOES. It might be the first time I’ve ever cleaned my plate.

Mom! Ben Blozan! Everyone I’ve ever eaten a meal with!

I CLEANED MY PLATE TONIGHT.

What the eff.

I’m nearly 35 years old, and all this time, I’ve been missing out on the glory of a tomato. It’s not slime! It only looks like slime! It’s liquid orgasm is what it is!

What else is there that I’ve been avoiding like this? Cigarettes? Lesbianism?

Mein Gott! There is so much to do! I have a few hours left in Dresden, so we’ll see what happens……

A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

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A thousand puppies will live forever if you share this post, I totally swear.

10 Comments

  1. Santa Claus

    I am glad to hear you are having orgasms over there, even if they are caused by tomatoes. Who knew they had that power. Cigarettes, take my word, they won’t give you orgasms, just coughing. Lesbianism???? I don’t know about that first hand, but from what I’ve seen on the internet, they actresses always seem really happy. Also this having to guess the words to get your comment posted just sucks. I have to go thru 3 or 4 different sets of squiggly words to figure out what they want me to type. Can you get rid of that feature?

    Reply
    • Kelly

      Dad, you should write a blog.

      Reply
    • Kelly

      And I’ll check on the squiggly thing.

      Reply
    • Elizabeth Howard

      I think I like your Dad’s response to this blog post as much as I like the post itself. LOL.
      And welcome to the world of tomatoes. Seriously.

      Reply
    • Santa Claus

      Whooo Hooo I have a groupie. Seriously, who would like to hear a boring blog about cancer surgery and venal catheterizations? Reading about boats, river trips, Tomatoes, and craggy racks is more fun.

      Also, since you were so profoundly affected by tomatoes, I bought a couple of plants for your mom. Hope they affect her the same way. Although she has always liked them before, just have never seen her toes curl when she is eating one. Keep the blog posts going, I really like them. You have caused me to stretch my incision laughing more than a couple of times. But WTF, its good to laugh.

      Reply
    • Kelly

      Good luck with Mom. Although I think she’s allergic to tomatoes, so watch out for that.

      p.s. I’m going to Auschwitz tomorrow, so sad post coming. Just for you and your incision.

      Reply
    • jaybrams

      Your dad made me have a laughgasm twice. #NoHomo

      Reply
  2. Caitlin Wood

    Dad and Bitz (I can call Santa dad, right?) your reactions to the posts are so wonderful and complete the Kelly blogging experience for me! I really do think I’d read blogs from either of you. KELLY YES TOMATOES ARE THE best!!!! Think — sun dried tomatoes, roasted, cherry, on a sand which! The doors are open

    Reply
  3. Rosalyn Nash

    Yay I’m officially a fan of Santa, too. Congrats on the tomatoes Kel…..

    Reply
  4. Sarah Duncan

    I mean, I feel obligated (on behalf of lesbians everywhere) to tell you that yes, of course you are missing out on orgasms by not being a lesbian. Because that’s like all we do: eat, um, tomatoes.

    Sex jokes aside, congrats on the eyeball eating. The world is your oyster. (But you probably don’t eat those? Oh, oyster — I could make another sex joke here, but I won’t…)

    Reply

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