Fingers Crossed I Still Have a Face Tomorrow

Fingers Crossed I Still Have a Face Tomorrow

Got woken up at 6am this morning by a man hacking the shit out of a tree, a woman screaming at him in Vietnamese, and these assholes: The man, I assume, was chopping wood to finish the walls of my bungalow, which he clearly forgot to do before I arrived. And I guess...

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Cheers! To Death and Stuff!

I just shared a bottle of wine with a German guy and a Spanish girl and it was the best and I just want to say that TRAVELING IS SO GREAT and PEOPLE ARE SO GREAT and I WISH YOU WERE ALL HERE TO SHARE A BOTTLE OF WINE WITH ME IN THAILAND because...

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Maybe if we’d had onesies…

When you’re drawing on a 15-year-old’s wall, you have to be careful to not draw any penises. It’s harder to do than you'd think. Anytime I’m drawing on a wall, there is always a penis involved, because that shit is hilarious. (I'm also very,...

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Butter My Butt and Call Me a Biscuit

If you're following me on Facebook or Instagram, you know I'm in Texas right now. If you're not following me, I will pause while you go do that. Because a) I need lots of attention on social media to make me feel good about myself, and b) just...

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Bugs and Orgasms: A Tale of Compromise

So you guys remember that time I was in Germany and I ate a tomato? Well, I’m about to top it. Are you ready?   I KNOW, THIS SHIT IS CRAZY, RIGHT? It was stuck in the middle of this awesome eggs benedict I got for breakfast, and (I can’t...

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Regarding Chodes

So I was very near publishing a new post about accidental testicle consumption, but then my new friend Julian commented on one of my old posts and I felt like you might all benefit from a response to his question........ ------------ Apparently...

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Lessons from a Butt Hose.

So as most of you know, my last post was this really angry rant about Orlando, which (maybe some of you know) was followed by a couple of healthy* debates about gun control on my facebook page. *I’m saying “healthy” because I don’t want to...

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Let’s Not Give Up Anymore.

I’ve been traveling for four months now. I haven’t seen all of the world – so far, just a few small pockets – but I have met tons and tons of people, most of whom are not Americans. I've learned so much about how we are perceived in the world....

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Health Update / Final Wishes

I wanted to keep you all informed about the many ailments I've contracted in the past week or so. I know you've been worried since my last post, which you can read here. Status: First of all, I won't keep you in suspense...I'm still alive....

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YOU CAN STOP LOOKING, I FOUND IT.

You guys. I’ve found the greatest thing on the planet. For real. Wait. Maybe the second greatest thing. But it’s a close second. And it definitely wins over the slurpees at that 7-eleven by my house. So I guess on 3rd Avenue, this thing I’ve...

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Hey Thanks, Edith.

In every hostel, there’s a freebie shelf in the kitchen where people leave the stuff they don't want anymore. Sounds cool, but mostly it’s just a collection of greasy saltshakers and vegemite. No one has ever left a hunk of cheese or a bottle...

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Another Thing I’m Terrible At

You guys remember how I said I wanted to stab the dog? I didn’t, you'll be happy to know. But she did end up with blood all over her face. See I was slaughtering this chicken and after we cut the head off, the dog was trying to catch all the...

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How to Kill a Chicken in 13 Horrifying Steps

Someone told me this post was gross and that I should maybe add a disclaimer about the content. I was gonna do it, but then I realized the title is pretty disclaimer-y already. IF YOU THINK THIS IS GOING TO BE A PUPPYCAM OR SOMETHING, THEN YOUR...

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Gimme that knife.

I started my period today. “Gross, why did you tell us that?” say the men. “SHUT THE FUCK UP COME HERE LET ME STAB YOU,” I say in response. I’m not joking, I want to stab everyone and everything. I want to stab that girl at T-mobile for selling...

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Recap Recap Mo Mepap

Okay, so I’ve been really busy doing fun stuff*, and I haven’t had time to write any of it down. Every night I lay down in my cozy little campervan and say to myself, “Write, Kelly!” and then I fall asleep because this pillow and these PJs are...

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These Balls

I’m currently listening to a band of travelers (literally, a band, that travels) decide what type* of animal costumes they’re going to wear for their gig tonight. *When I say "type," I don't mean "bear, pig, dog." I mean what specific style of...

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Don’t Tell Any Crazy People…

(Except sometimes I pretend I'm still in other places I've been before. Play along, jerks.)

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